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..apologizing for being a crappy friend.
..making excuses for why I canapos;t be there.
..feeling trapped
..not being good enough, ever.

Isnapos;t my anxiety enough? Isnapos;t that reason enough to have to be antisocial?
I feel like Iapos;d be able to handle it better without all this stress.

Iapos;m trying to fight this.

Why should I make excuses? Why should I cover up the real reasons I never go out? The reasons Iapos;m losing my social life, and friends are slowly slipping away.. No one likes to be avoided, I donapos;t blame them. If it were me, I would act the same way.

I have to do something. Iapos;m starting to panic. I need to regain control of MY LIFE.

Iapos;m starting� to hate love. This is not right. Love shouldnapos;t make anyone feel this way. Maybe Iapos;m defective? Ugh.

Yeah, plus Iapos;m literally sick.. Yay.


Like I mentioned in a previous entry, I could easily stay at my friendapos;s house. That would buy me maybe a month. (He is probably losing his house.) But then what?? I need a plan. I donapos;t even have a car I wonapos;t have one until February at least.
What about my son? I suppose if it came down to it, my parents would let him stay there if it really got that bad..
Will I be able to find a job? Itapos;s hard for everyone right now. And more importantly, would I be able to maintain a job in my mental state? Iapos;m so scared that when I get one, Iapos;m just going to lose it anyway. Every job I ever had I either had to quit because of Gregg, or my anxiety. In one case, I got layed off since it was seasonal.. But thatapos;s an exception.
I have been able to babysit successfully in the past, but I have a hunch it would be harder than ever to get a decent job, since many people are losing their own jobs. Meaning less people would need nannies and babysitters..

I donapos;t know what to do. I just donapos;t.

I have this mindset that I canapos;t do it alone. I donapos;t know anymore..

I need a plan.
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